Goodbye 2010 - Thank you!

Another year passing us by. It’s crazy that our parents were right: “As you get older, it goes faster.”


This year has been another great memory maker, although, of course, there were intensities along the way. Probably one of the most pivotal moments of 2010 was when my baby girl turned five. To most people it was just another birthday, but to me, my baby is growing up. Preparing for kindergarten. And, the world, really. My ability to shelter her from so much is really screeching to a halt. And then I think, if the first five years went this fast, how fast will the next five go? Or worse yet, 10 or 15?

Then, I lost my job. Me. The person that has a plan for everything, including my future, and always has had a plan – had reality slap me in the face, and leave me as a number. It was heart-wrenching. I cried many tears, but in the mean time, I also grew in my faith, closer to my husband, and re-evaluated my abilities as an educator and my direction. In the end, I learned that I am right where I’m supposed to be, even if I have to ride a roller coaster for a while.

Another moment of pause in 2010 is the day my husband went to Pastor Keith and said, “I would like to be baptized.” We knew we wanted to have a dedication for our children, but Armando’s baptism was the missing link, or the completion. Growing closer to God is hugely important to me, as well as to Armando, and our relationship as a team, has grown immensely this year. Even though, just like any other relationship, we need to foster our relationship, work on being better listeners and communicators, obeying, etc., I feel like we are headed in the right direction.

I could probably write an entire chapter of the blessings and disappointments of 2010, but really it simply comes down to another year full of memories, lessons and growth.

• In 2010, we visited Panguitch, just like every other year, but this year we extended our vacation time and spent more time as a family. We spent a week in Reno/Carson City, where we were able to spend time with my sister; time that we hardly ever get anymore.

• My brother returned from Iraq.

• From a career perspective, I have taken on more responsibilities and really found my niche.

• I decided to take up running and ran my first 5K, taking 2nd place. I never thought I would be a runner, but running ignited a determination for something greater, and built up so much pride.

• I attended two funerals that touched me and reminded me of the importance of life itself.

• We introduced our children to Mickey Mouse, put our feet in the sand of the beach and attended a Dodger’s game. Alina joined t-ball, and tested her Mommy so much, as she filled her hat with field dirt and watched the ball whir by. Alina had her first ballet recital and was a beautiful bumble bee, being the first to buzz off the stage. Aydon practically potty trained himself, and his vocabulary flourished. Armando turned 30! Armando and I took our first hike in Red Rock on our 7th anniversary! Seven years already!

• Armando and I made the choice to add another baby to our family. We lost a baby. And, soon after, found out we were pregnant again.

• We spent many hours with Grammie and Papa. Too few hours cuddling with our babies, but enjoying every moment.

As I always conclude, it comes down to moments. What we do with the bits of time that are presented to us, not as another item on our agenda, but as a moment of wisdom, or caring, or love. It is realizing that not everything is in our control and we are experiencing whatever we are going through for a reason. We are growing and becoming stronger, more compassionate, more wholesome. I certainly do not approach every situation as a learning experience, or “what can I take from this?”; however, typically, I can look back and see the beauty. I can take lessons from the experience and realize that the experiences combined equal who I am today. 2010, like so many other years, has contributed to my life greatly – it has made me a better Mom, strengthened my relationship with my Creator, blessed me with another year in a loving marriage, made me a better educator and simply given me a better appreciation for all that I have and all that I am.

While I know that 2011 will bring hardship, instability, and things that I simply can’t control, I am eager to embrace the New Year for all of the moments that I will be able to experience, turning into memories, which reflect me.

Olivia Grace - I'm already dreaming of your arrival!

Olivia. Olivia has fell from my fingertips almost daily, as I type a random password into my computer. I have uttered the name and just knew that three years ago God was going to bless me with her, and instead, I was blessed with a baby boy. As the days passed in this pregnancy, I knew that the name Olivia was going to remain an emotionless name that would continue to be typed with no meaning, as I just knew this one was a boy. And, then, we opened the envelope.


Armando couldn’t make it to the ultrasound, as I couldn’t wait another week to go to the ultrasound, so he suggested that Sandy write down the gender and seal it in an envelope. After seeing Sandy, I rushed to pick up the kids and get to the middle school as quickly as my car could get me there, safely. I called Armando and said, “Meet me outside!” He came out and together we had Alina open the envelope. Inside were the words “It’s a girl!” nestled in a heart, followed by, “Congratulations!”

I screamed out loud and then began to cry. Olivia. My precious Olivia. The meaningless name now has a life. It represents my hopes and my desires for the little one making me expand daily, inducing tears without notice, and simply causing a bit of a roller coaster. Olivia now represents my daughter, our daughter. An unknown beauty. An overwhelming joy. The sibling to my two precious children. Another life to nurture and guide, bring to God, teach, love and share with the world.

Olivia Grace. How I pray for you to get here safely and how I long for my arms to cuddle you. How I anticipate your big sister loving on you and caring for you with the big heart she has. How I am already thanking God for a beautiful baby girl. And, how I love you ever-so-deeply.

I Remember

"In recognition of September 11th, the phrases “Never forget” and/or “I remember” are popular to depict or to portray people’s sincere sadness for the events of that day, as well as the bravery of the men and women that stood up against evil forces for the safety/betterment for others.

While reading posts on Facebook along those lines, as well as hearing various captions on the news, it dawned on me that in life there are so many circumstances where one may udder the words “I’ll never forget,” and yet that fleeting thought is gone before it can be comprehended, as our crazy world always seems to take precedence. There have been many moments in my life where I have vowed to not forget the emotion or experience, so that I am a better person and/or keep my priorities straight, and yet on a day-to-day basis I do not remember after all.

For example, I graduated as valedictorian of my high school. Driven and dedicated to learning, I deserved the honors. Yet, at moments in my life I have let the system beat me down and make me feel as if I am no brighter than the next person. I forget.

Or, the day I found out I had lost my mother. The dearest person in my life was gone. Experiencing loss for the first time, my heart gripped on to those that I still had. At that moment I felt that I would treat every pivotal person in my life, as if they would be gone tomorrow… but sometimes, I forget.

I think of the first days of falling in love with my husband. Days of waiting for the phone to ring, or seeing him – whether it be a transitory moment on the way to class, or an evening spent talking – or a bouquet of flowers waiting on my desk, every moment filled with exhilaration. Anticipation at any opportunity to be together with love filling the air. Then came a wedding, professing our love, then children to share our immense love with, a house, careers, bills, obligations, etc. While I still love him more than ever, my delivery of showing my love has changed immensely, as so often we are "keeping up". While I don’t ever forget our love, sometimes I forget its beginnings.

And, while I haven’t forgotten the dates of my children’s birth and/or how much they weighed, time of day, etc., I forget little things. Little moments, how truly small they were, how we laid around and giggled over nothing, how elated Armando and I were when both of our children arrived, how saddened we were when Aydon had to sleep in the NICU instead of with us… And while I am blessed because I can recall these things, I also want them to be at the front of my mind, so that they are reflected in my being and how I live and treat them everyday. And yet, sometimes the moment takes over, and I forget.

I truly could ramble about the things that I forget. Not because they are unimportant to me, but instead, because life is like a carnival. There are moments when you are looking over the park with faces aglow, other moments where you’re dragging two kids to the car as they’ve had enough, and moments where you simply enjoy the company of those around you. There’s good, there’s bad, but each moment has something special to offer. And those moments, combined, equal your life.

Even though this blog was started in September and I’m finishing it in November, I still am going to remember to remember. Life truly is a blessing and we let the to-do list, agenda, calendar and other obligations get in our way, but in the end, will those things matter, or the things we should have truly remembered?

The Pack is Growing!

Wolf Pack! Wolf Pack! Wolf Pack! AaaaaOooooooo!  Typically this is a chant that we scream as we are rooting on the Reno Wolf Pack playing football or any other sport that we are privy to watch, but for this weekend this chant was so much more.  This chant was a cheer, a celebration, an elation for family.  For the Veloz family.  Lorenzo proposed to Jenna.  Ben and Amy are expecting.  And, so are we!  The Veloz Pack is growing and the excitement is almost uncontrollable. 

We were so blessed to spend Saturday supporting the Pack in their 5-0 season, while also celebrating the growth of our family and the many special bonds that we are all able to share.  While the atmosphere at the UNLV vs. UNR game probably was not the best place for small children's ears on a Saturday night, we were so fortunate to be sitting where we were, with the people we were with.  Aydon was even fortunate enough to make friends with a lovely woman sitting next to us.  (Hence, the picture with a stranger up above.)  I certainly could not have asked for more of a Saturday, although the weekend quickly passed me by...it is these moments that make me stop, reflect, and enjoy.  And even better, three new family members will soon be joining the pack and experiencing pure joy through the love and excitement of the Veloz family.

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."  -- Anonymous

Our Third Blessing!

We’re expecting!

I had said, “I don’t want any more children.” In the wee small hours of the night, and through the spitting up and screaming, or the banter between siblings, it’s easy to say that. However, this tugging feeling kept tugging and I finally came to realize it was God’s plan for us to have another one. As soon as the words were mentioned to Armando, he was excited! Of course, the belly laughter, the snuggling, watching them grow physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually, and so many other special moments surpass the bad moments. It’s the being stretched beyond what one thinks they are capable of, but loving beyond one’s known ability that makes parenthood the most amazing emotion and journey in our lives.

The Beginning of the Beauty of the Season

Family. When I think of the most important things in my life, immediately my husband, children and other family members fly into my mind. Every day there are moments (some good, some bad) made with these special people that truly elate me. This weekend the moments came in the form of sharing and celebrating the beginning of fall at the Fall Festival.

We started off on Friday with Alina dancing with her pre-ballet class at the park, along side of her cousin, Analise, whom she simply adores. Not only does she get to dance with Analise, but she also is able to dance with other friends, such as Avery, Bridget and Olivia. And, to top it all off, Miss Kathy, her teacher, is phenomenal. Alina followed Miss Kathy's every direction and brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes watching her beauty and grace - it's these moments that I hope to remember as time moves so quickly.

After we watched Alina dance, we headed off to dinner with Grammie and Papa, and then we were back at the park for the CARNIVAL RIDES! Alina and Aydon were ecstatic to run and play and go on every ride suited for them! Daddy was a champ and went on many rides with Aydon, as he was just short of the 40" height requirement on many of the rides. We were also lucky enough to run into the Moore family, so Mommy had a great time chatting, while Alina, Avery, Kasen and Aydon got to share these carnival moments together. We ended the evening with some kettle corn and headed home...just to begin the fun again in the morning!

Saturday morning started with the parade and ended with more carnival. To see the looks of facination and awe on my children's faces brings more joy to my life than almost imaginable. The excitement, beauty and wonder of little lives is such a blessing. Then to watch a 6'4" Daddy crawl into a mini-roller coaster and/or child's airplane to accompany his children in the fun, is simply priceless. It's these moments that I wonder how I became so lucky to have these children and this husband. The best part of all of this is that this is only the beginning of beauty of this season of Fall.

Freedom 2010

Independence Day 2010 was one of the most special days that our family has experienced, aside from our wedding day, the birth of our children, and other family moments along the way. On this very special day Armando professed his undying love for Jesus Christ our Savior in front of our family and church through his baptism. Additionally, the two of us also committed to raising our children in a Christian home, focusing on the Bible and serving our Lord. That afternoon we had everyone over for food and celebration, and then we headed off to the park to watch the fireworks. The town of Pahrump never disappoints in putting on a spectacular fireworks show. We concluded the evening with letting the kids play with sparklers in the back yard.

It was a day of moments. Special moments. Moments that make up the memories of our lives. Although each day brings its own obstacles and difficulties to over come, each day is also a blessing - given to us by our maker to enjoy, celebrate and over come!

Our Little Cowboy is Turning Three!

It's hard to believe it's almost been three years since we brought our bundle of joy home from the hospital after ten days of praying, hoping and waiting for him to be healthy. Instantly we were in love! From making it through Aydon's days in the hospital, or of constant spewing, to his giggling and laughter, and his rambunctious all-boy spirit, every moment with our little man has been a blessing!

This year we are celebrating Aydon's three years of life with a cowboy carnival at Grammie and Papa's saloon! We are so excited to reminisce with friends and family, as well as to look forward to the beautiful times to come in our precious son's life together. Aydon enjoyed dressing up as a cowboy and having his picture taken for his invites, especially being able to carry around a BB gun!

Aydon has brought a new chapter to our lives. He has been a "mind maker-upper" from the time he could let us know what he wants and how he wants it. He loves trucks, cars, and especially horses. He loves his sister and oftentimes wants her by his side. Although, those moments can change on a dime. :) He adores his cousin, Antonio, who he refers to as "No-no" and requests to visit him often. He has always been way above the traditional growth charts, and continues to take after his Daddy, wearing a 4T in clothing and a size 10 in shoes! He loves the outdoors and playing with Sadie, Gizmo and Bella. He is potty trained, can dress himself, and even put on his shoes. Unlike his Sissy, who took forever to get rid of the "baby cups," he can drink from a big boy cup all by himself. Although he is notorious for making messes with pretty much anything he touches, he insists on doing it all himself! His vocabulary is amazing and he can count to at least 10 and sing his ABC's. He melts our hearts with all that he is, all that he can do and all that he'll ever be!

The thought of his turning three leaves me in disbelief and a hint of sadness, but my excitement, awe and wonder for what is to come overwhelms all those feelings! My baby boy is growing up and he has the world awaiting him!

"While we try to teach our children all about life,Our children teach us what life is all about." ~Angela Schwindt

The Journey of a Mountain and a Marriage

To celebrate our seven years of marriage together, Armando and I decided to hike Red Rock Canyon, rather than the typical go-to-dinner and watch-a-movie, kid-less.

In reflecting on the journey, I laugh at how similar our hike was to our beautiful marriage. The last seven years have certainly been my “blessing” years. I have two beautiful children, a greater love for my Mom than ever before (although she’s not here), an inspiring career, an incomprehensible relationship with my in-laws, friends, and most importantly, an amazing man to share the journey with.

We started the day off a bit rocky, as we were not sure if we were going to go to Red Rock, due to planning details (Michele Obama was supposed to be there that day, making us wonder how crazy it would be!) and whether or not we should pack a lunch, eat before, etc. This is similar to our “beginning” as Armando was uncertain of whether or not he wanted to date, be friends, be friends with benefits, etc. The good news is we decided to just go for it in our journey to Red Rock and love and both prevailed.

When choosing a path we both knew we wanted a difficult hike, as it reaps the most reward. This is similar in that when one is choosing “love,” it can be difficult at times. Then, you look up at the mountain and the challenge seems like the best idea ever! Just like marriage! It’s such a happy, twitter-pated – planning, dreaming, loving – stage! When we set off on the journey we passed people on their way down that looked unscathed – must be an easy journey we thought. Just as so many marriages seem perfect and beautiful, knowing that is simply not possible. We continued on the hike and it was breathtaking (literally!) and simply stunning, the views, flowers, scenery, etc. These are little things in life – unexpected flowers, thank you’s, a birth of a child, moments together, card games with family, baking with your children, etc.

With the beauty though came the uncertainty of whether we were on the right path or not, some spots that were difficult to get through, which required team effort, and the thought of will we make it to the top or not? Marriage, again, is not an easy task. One must choose love for it to succeed and sometimes we may have to agree to disagree. Sometimes we have to switch lead roles when one is feeling weakened or down. Sometimes we have to encourage each other that we can make it and that we have each other.

At one point on our journey a man shouted from high above, “Why are you taking that route?” Knowing he couldn’t possibly be talking to us, we continued working our way through crevices and rocks to get to our desired “top of the mountain.” When he boomed again from the mountain top, I yelled back, “We don’t know!” And, isn’t that the truth!?! We don’t always know why we are taking the route we are. We can see where we want to go and we are doing the best we know how to get there.

Because he said this, I did my best to try to head in his direction. I’ll remind you, I couldn’t see him at any point, but only hear him. This time he yelled, “Just head to the top, you’ve earned it!”

Again, more truth! Why would I, or anyone, invest so much time and love and dedication in to something to take the easy road and/or just give up? It simply wasn’t an option. Just like it is not an option to give up on one’s marriage. It’s a bond, a pact – a commitment to love through the rocky trails and smooth paths. We continued…Up! There were points where we stopped to look at our progress, check out the blooming wild flowers and to take a breath. All points in a marriage. Knowing where you come from to get where you are going. Enjoying moments. Stopping to soak in accomplishments and miracles. And, sometimes we just need to rest.

Finally, we made it to the top! And, wow! The views were amazing and the feeling of accomplishment was high! We sat at the top and gazed at the beauty of our surroundings and held hands. Another moment. Seven years of journeying through life together and now we were literally on the top of a mountain together, basking in the blessings that have been given to us by our Creator.

But, marriage isn’t smooth sailing…and once you reach your destination, there’s always somewhere else you need to go…or something to be done.  In this case, we had to head back down the mountain. Again, we didn’t really know the path to be taken and it was rocky and easy for one to slide down and get hurt, but we were together! As I tend to do in my marriage, I relied on Armando to be the “thinker.” He chose the best paths and tended to be the most logical in this process. Literally, just like in our everyday lives.

When I finally did fall, as it was inevitable, Armando picked me up, helped me assess the damage and we kept going…together. Again, in our marriage, it is usually me that freaks out, is quick to anger, or to panic in the face of distress, essentially falling down, and Armando is always there to pick me up. As always, he didn’t fail me.

The hike was a journey. A beautiful journey with great conversation, sweat, no tears (but emotion!), bruises, commitment, determination, love and togetherness. Although it wasn’t life-altering or an incredible experience, it can be related to our marriage, as it is a journey of many emotions and experiences, and although the road becomes tough at times the view and the moments that create the journey are all so worth it!

Thank you Armando for the journey, I too am looking forward to getting wrinkles upon wrinkles together!

Life Goes On?

It all started with a facebook message from a friend letting me know that another friend, Alicia, was losing her life to a serious battle with cancer. She has been given about two weeks to live. I say “friend” although I never really got to know her well. I admired her from afar, as she was always diligent, driven, kind and a friendly-smiling face.

With this news, so many feelings surfaced for me about her with regard to an email she sent me at the hardest time in my life. When I lost my Mom almost six years ago so many people tried to comfort me with words of encouragement: “She’s in a better place. She’s no longer in pain.” Those were just a couple of common phrases I was told. Honestly, though, I didn’t want to hear it. “I know you are trying to help me overcome the most horrendous experience in my life, but I don’t care where she’s at – since she’s not with me, it’s not the best place” – I just wanted to shout! I was so angry (and immensely hurt) and yet nobody seemed to want to let me feel those emotions.

I clearly remember the detective asking my family to come and sit down in my mother’s living room to announce that, “Your mother is deceased.” That was it. He got up and went to walk out the door. Moving on with his normal life. Probably ready to call his mother. I chased him out the door, wanting to violently hit him and let him know my pain, and I was held back by some family members. Sometimes I feel like I was held back that day and have continued to hold back my immense pain of losing the woman that was the dearest person in my life, although I always tend to fall back on knowing how truly blessed I am.

Back to Alicia. About two months after my mom’s death, I received an email from Alicia. Here’s what it said,

“Desiree --

Well, I'm sure you've gotten tons of these condolences
e-mails (and plenty that were a little more timely,
I'll bet ;) ), but I just wanted to tell you that I've
been thinking about you.

I'm sure Jeannette told you this. ... My mom died a
little more than two years ago, at the end of my
sophomore year at UNR (and right before finals, which
made it suck even more, if that's possible). It was a
much different situation from yours -- my mom had
cancer, and this was the second time she'd been sick,
and, according to a lot of people, she had been dying
for a long time. I, of course, was oblivious to this
(who thinks their mom will actually die?), so it was
still a shocker for me.

Anyway, I felt about a thousand different things, as
I'm sure you did, and I was angry and short with
everyone, and they did their best to understand why --
to understand that sometimes, when you feel so hurt,
you just have to take it out on some people. ;)

But I swear, the purpose of this e-mail wasn't to make
you listen to my story. :) I just wanted you to know
that, though the situations are different, I've lost
my mom, too, and that has a sting that a lot of people
don't understand -- unless it's happened to them. So
if you ever want to talk or bitch or just say, "Hey, I
have no idea why, but I just miss my mom today" or
"Why the hell did she die? Damn, I'm pissed," you can
e-mail me or give me a call.

Take care, Desiree. I'll be thinking of you.

Love,
Alicia

=====
"Carpe Diem, boys! Seize the day! Make your lives extraordinary!"
-- John Keating, "Dead Poets Society"

Reading her email still brings tears to my eyes that someone understands my pain because they experienced it and they have given me the green flag to get angry, be pissed and ask questions, like WHY?

Our life is a series of moments. I just read “Alicia’s Story” that ran in the San Francisco Chronicle and this was one of her biggest realizations. The beauty of her words sent tremors through my very soul. Even though I am not fighting cancer, at times, it has felt like I am fighting for my life, as sometimes the anger and the question, “Why?” are just too painful. I’m not crazy or suicidal; I simply sometimes struggle with seeing the point. The good news is I have God. My mother was my foundation. The person that always had the right answers. So driven. Persevering. Sometimes she was boldly honest. She drank a lot of coffee, enjoyed sunflower seeds and would pull her knees up into her pajamas when she sat on the couch on cold mornings. Nothing scared her. She chopped wood, got her nails done and blow dried her hair almost everyday. She received cards on Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day. She was Mom and Dad. She worked 12-hour days and came home with energy to take care of four children. She loved to walk for miles at a time and absolutely loved sun! She overcame abuse and practically raised herself. She attended our sporting events and always allowed us to sign-up. She would take us on trips and her beautiful melody would fill the air in the family van. She had high standards and wanted the best for her children.

What does this all mean? Why am I rambling about my mom? Because every moment in my life has changed due the moments surrounding my mother’s death. My mom didn’t just die. She went missing. For six days. The second day that she was gone, I woke up to the phone ringing. I just knew it was going to be good news – they found her! She’d gone shopping; decided to take a crazy trip; something! But, no. Instead it was someone inquiring about her disappearance. The moment I hung up the phone I knew Mom was gone (although I wouldn’t officially know for another four days). At that very moment I remember thinking, “How is the earth still moving? How are people going to work? How can Armando be thinking about breakfast? How was everyone else so normal?” That’s where the anger came. My whole life had just been crushed and people were telling me it was going to be okay, and moving on with their normal lives.

Now, Alicia is in the hospital, dying. Life is still moving. Students are still coming to school. I am still teaching. Kids are being shuffled to daycare, practice, etc. Families are dining at the dinner table. Life is normal for so many people. And, Alicia’s in the hospital. Her dad is losing his daughter, after already having lost her mother. Her story, the story I read and thousands of people read, is coming to an end and, yet, life is still moving on. I don’t understand. And, I’m angry. And sad. And, I just want to hug my Mom.