If You Were Here

Every day, I think of you. Most days, I think of how you actually accomplished whatever priority I’m trying to tackle and how you always seemed to do it with grace.


If you were here this past week, I would have talked your ear off. I probably would have laughed with you, and I certainly would have cried with you. Or, to you at least. On any given day it seems I wonder how you got through a lot of what you did, but last week I needed the advice on children, work, life. I was sensitive, and clueless; at least it felt that way.

I wish I could have shared my kids with you.

Alina is such a lover. A pleaser. She is quite sassy though. I imagine if you were here watching her grow, you would have many stories of how I did the exact same thing, or gave the same attitude (or sass). I imagine it won’t be long and I will be asking her if she plans to “build a porch for that swing” or redirecting her back to the bathroom to make her make-up presentable. She asks a lot of questions. She is intrigued and wants to learn. She loves her teacher, as I always loved mine. She melts my heart. I adore her; if you were here, you would too.

Aydon is all boy. Some days he reminds me of Nick with his persistence and ability to hold on to his convictions. He likes to climb, and fight, and wrestle… and test…me. He has the cutest voice and smile. He literally lights up when the smile appears. He loves to be complimented. Pour the sugar on with Aydon, and he melts. He would have been your little lover. If you were here, he would cling to you like glue. My heart hurts thinking of the bond the two of you would have certainly had.

Then, sweet Olivia. It’s hard to say how she will be later, but for now, she’s simply sweet. She tracks where Mommy is, what she is doing, and is always quick to throw her arms out, saying “Come to me!” If you were here, you probably wouldn’t want to put her down. She would probably be as eager to see you, as she is to see me. She laughs only for Aydon, as he is the silliest, and she lets Alina carry her and jostle her, until Mommy says stop. She has big, brown eyes that demand attention and her smile truly brings happiness.

With Alina, I worry about her self-esteem. She already compares herself and feels sad if you pour the praise on Aydon and she is not included. She has a competitive spirit, and wants to excel. While this makes me happy, it also makes me fear for her contentment. With Aydon, I simply need to have patience. I truly don’t understand tantrums over ridiculous things that we can’t control, or do not even need to. If you were here, I know you would have valuable advice and would certainly walk me through it. Last week, I needed the advice. The good news is after he gets through the tantrum, he wants loves. I’m always up for that. With Olivia, I didn’t have a personality issue that needed advice, but instead, a condition. Nothing stresses me out more than having a baby with a condition. A slight fever, a strange cough, a funky pink neck…That was it. A yucky, pink neck that grossed me out and made her scream when touched. Surely you would have had the answer right away. Instead, I had to go to Dr. Google, and when that didn’t work, Dr. Blank.

When you get past all of the kid challenges and my desire for your presence, it doesn’t end. I have work questions and life questions and relationship questions…and, more questions. If you were here you would know the personalities of my co-workers, Armando and I’s quirks, my favorite weekend past times (which haven’t changed much), all my educational philosophies, my plans for parties and gifts for special people, etc. You would know everything, because I would call you or see you… and, simply enjoy you.

If you were here, I feel like I would be that much smarter. I would have more answers. If you were here, so many of these things…issues, situations, etc., would be different. Because life would have been different, if you were still here.